Zum ersten Mal in meinem Leben war ich heute den erniedrigenden Verbalangriffen einer stolzen Nationalsozialistin ausgesetzt. Die beleidigende und entmenschlichende Spuckansprache dieser Dame hat mich aufs Tiefste erschüttert. Der Kommunikationsaustausch wurde durch eine liebevolle Geste meiner mit mir auf der Parkbank die Sonne genießend sitzenden Mutter ausgelöst, als diese den Hund der Dame, die ca. 1,5 m neben uns Platz genommen hatte, zu streicheln begann. Ich zitiere:

„Sie tragen also auch diese Gesichtsburka (sie beabsichtigt die FFP2-Maske)… Naja sie sind es ja wohl gewohnt aber glauben sie mir, das wird auch in Deutschland so werden. Die bereiten uns gerade darauf vor und testen wie weit sie gehen können. Die dummen Deutschen stürzen sich ja alle in die Giftspritze (Impfstoff) wie die Lemminge, dass die Araber und Türken ihre Feste weiterfeiern können… die scheiß Moslems sind die einzigen, die überhaupt in den Krankenhäusern behandelt werden würden und die dummen Rentner melden sich auch noch zu ihrem Todestermin an…wir im Osten haben das schon gecheckt. Aber diese Diktatur hier wird ja immer schlimmer und die Bayern mit ihrem Möchtegern-Hitler Söder haben uns das jetzt auch noch eingebrockt, dass die Afd beobachtet wird. Das ist die einzig wahre Partei. Sie werden ja keine Probleme haben als Ausländer aber die armen Deutschen, die jetzt noch Kinder bekommen sind doch alle verloren…gibt doch überhaupt keine deutschen Kinder mehr in den Schulen. Die Gesellschaftsumgestaltung nimmt ihren Lauf und DU (mit ihrem erhobenen Zeigefinger auf mich deutend) gehörst ja sowieso der verlorenen Generation an. Du wirst arbeitslos sein, es sei denn du bist Frisör, aber das ist eher unwahrscheinlich…ihr Ausländer habt ja eh nichts Besseres gelernt als Methoden den deutschen Wohlfahrtstaat auszunehmen. – JAWOHL! Aber meine Kinder, die sind auch so links, die denken ich sei ein rechtes Nazischwein, das Ausländer hasst….dabei habe ich gar nichts gegen die. Ich bewundere die sogar! Mein Mann ist Rechtsanwalt – der hat nur so Kanaken-Klientel. Die haben alle Unmengen an Bargeld und halten sich zuhause auch noch Löwen und weiß der Geier was, während die dummen Deutschen dem Regierungsdreck Folge leisten…“

Der Schock sitzt noch tief in meinen Knochen. Wie paralysiert saß ich auf dieser Bank, starrte die Dame an und verspürte einen toxischen Mix aus Ekel, Trauer und Zukunftsfurcht in mir ansteigen. Ich nahm meine Mutter bei der Hand und verließ wortlos die Parkbank. Die Dame hat uns noch irgendwas nachgerufen, aber gut. Armes Deutschland. Wo soll das nur hinführen? Ich weiß, dass es sinnfrei ist eine Diskussion mit einer solch engstirnigen Person zu initiieren, daher habe ich komplett davon abgesehen. Ich weiß auch, dass ich einen höheren Bildungsstand als ein derart herablassend kommunizierendes Individuum genieße und dies in keinster Weise rechtfertigen muss, dennoch hat es mich schwer getroffen ein solch lautstarkes Hassplädoyer in Deutschland an einem öffentlichen Ort vernehmen zu müssen. Seit wann kann derartiges Gedankengut in der Gesellschaft so lautstark geäußert werden… 

A rainbow – I am.

Manifold and colorful

Staining your pure gown

Tarnishing the reputation of a gown, an entire wardrobe

Didn’t you shine in bright colors yourself?

Drawing boundless patterns of flourishing diversity

A rainbow – You had been.

One ever feels her twoness?

Split flesh – I am.

Captivating. Paradoxical

I belong to you

I see you shine, prideful upon receiving compliments –

For the rainbow - Not the split flesh

Agony of denials. I understand you

But I grow pale – You already are.

The temple for your rising spirits – I will be.

Entering your soil. Not mine. You made it clear

My colors kept staining onto your pure gown.

You wanted to adjust me to the soil

You had so clearly defined as yours. Not mine.

Mine? Yours? – My spirits say it’s OURS.

I am your flesh. Split and though partly of the same soil.

If not the soil, the soul?

I am split flesh – the independent part of your soil and soul

You were just like me – longing for freedom

Shining in bright colors

Bound to the liberty of the sky, no soil.

Face me. Your child. – I am your soul.

The one to revive the colors on your gown

The twoness– You are.

Your spirit changes – unfolds in free space

Split no further – you never needed a temple.

Your mind and the Moloch constructed it

And if you cannot – I will – tear it down.

Your denials made me.

Split flesh – I am.

The pure gown – You had never been.

One ever feels her wholeness?

Staring out of the window, clouds passing by, heaven looks like an endless sea of fluffy cotton candy. Aside from the sudden desire for sugary aliments, I sense another feeling inside my guts; it’s that feeling you get when you’re about to start a completely new chapter in your life. You’ve finally managed to turn over the page. As soon as the plane will land, you’ll be the author of a story written entirely about and for yourself. 

In my case, not only have I turned over the page internally, but also have I dared to jump into the unknown, changing my environment completely. Traveling to a country, a city that has always mesmerized me, a city people in my home country Germany bear a lot of prejudices against. Still, my predominant feeling is joyful excitement. It’s almost like, I was anticipating for this not to be just another ordinary trip…

This ought to be more than just such, this ought to be the journey to my identity. 

Growing up biculturally with two rather contrasting cultures, German and Tunisian, I have been struggling a lot when trying to figure out how to balance both of these identities. I was constantly swinging between them like a pendulum.

Before coming to Istanbul, I had already accumulated a vast spectrum of ideas about the city. For me, Istanbul represented this shining magical somehow mystified metropolis radiating the spirit of a “one thousand and one nights’” fairytale. 

A little different from that fairytale, I opted for the plane as means of transportation, rather than flying in here on a magical carpet. Nevertheless, I hoped for this trip to help me live my proper fairytale and I got way more than that. 

I got a real tale, told by no fairy, but myself. 

The city opened its doors to not merely the rich treasuries of human history, but also to the exploration of a cosmopolitan way of life having me explore Istanbul from a new perspective. I could see both parts of myself reflected in the city’s spirit.

Since Istanbul functions as a bridge between Orient and Occident; I could identify with the idea of connecting these two counterparts. Being me felt similar, like mentally crossing the Bosporus Bridge, connecting Occident to Orient a thousand times on a daily basis. 

Enrolling as a student at Boğaziçi University Istanbul, I dived into a unique manifold universe. A universe through which I was able to experience life in the metropolis through the eyes of an actual resident, rather than a tourist.  

I like to describe the university campuses as the epicenter of the modern spirit of Istanbul. This is mirrored in the university’s liberal-progressive, cultural-exchange-seeking environment. At Boğaziçi University, a mosaic of personalities share one interest: their passion for cultural exchange and great open-mindedness. Be they tattooed, pierced, homosexual or veiled, the interaction between students is vivid and not to be impacted by appearance. Diversity, at least as I experience it here is not an obstacle, but an enrichment. People are cosmopolitan. Certainly, this subjective perception may not be transferred onto the entire population, but at least here, diverging spirits coexist peacefully. 

Switching to the oriental part of the city, enchanting markets are to be found in historic districts such as Sultanahmet and Eminönü. The city stretches from the old Constantinople to Galata, the trading base of the Genoese in the 13th century to the modern, upscale districts like Bebek, where Boğaziçi University has its headquarters. 

Having found a balance point between Orient and Occident for myself, commuting between both identities has become reconcilable. I had wished to find a magical carpet that would carry me on my way exploring the oriental part of myself; however, I did not expect to find a home where both parts of my identity would be in harmony. The swinging pendulum I used to be, found a balance point in the middle of Istanbul, the city bridging Orient and Occident, the place that allowed me to build a bridge into my very own soul. 

Wonderful day, amici.

Today I’m opting for a little nostalgia. Scrolling through my gallery, I’m reminiscing about brighter times. So many happy faces. It’s wonderful. You can tell the evolution of this shitty pandemic scrolling through my phone. Starting mid-February, the accumulation of memes, videos and screenshots of Instagram-posts ridiculing corona (at the very beginning at least) skyrockets up to this very moment, only now there is no further “playing corona down” going on any longer. 

I’ve decided to dedicate today to improve my Turkish and continue working on my book. Certainly, I won't be starting any of these activities on an empty stomach. May I invite you to one typical breakfast à la Sandra? (I cannot live up to Turkish kahvalti-standards, but I do have some extra sugar at hand...:)) 

Ingredients: 2 boiled eggs, toast with rosehip jam, a cup of coffee and some eye-candy. I’ve discovered a Netflix series that I downloaded onto my phone. It’s called “TOY BOY”. (and thank me later, ladies!) Let’s all take a minute and appreciate the blessings spread upon handsome living beings like the ones acting in this series. Joyful, Joyful morning to me. 

2:20 pm: My thoughts have taken a drastic turn compared to this morning. The news is quite bad. Italy reported 425 deaths within 24h. In France doctors now have to decide on whom they would and whom they would not treat since the capacity of hospitals has been exceeded. I do not even want to think about the repercussions such kind of decisions must have on one’s psychological state. 

Other than that my thoughts on hostility and human nature are spilling over. 

I can’t grasp how in times of hardship like this people do not seem to have the least damn empathy. Of course, we are not generalizing, but still, some people really cannot help it. This Tunisian lady was saying: “at least we will die in our homeland, whilst you guys will be thrown into the fire directly” (addressing Tunisian nationals living in Italy).

I wonder if she even realizes to what degree this is macabre. It’s next level. Honestly. I cannot even find the words. 

On a positive note, Kevin Hart has started a series of stand-up comedy live-streams on his Instagram making people laugh. I love the guy. I love him, thanks for that.

I’m back in the basement. Wi-Fi does not reach the basement… I do have mobile data but even that does not properly work. My messages are sent and received only when leaving the basement and walking up to the water tower in front of our house which I refrain from doing since it is raining cats and dogs right now and I kind of enjoy staying inside, inside of my heated room, writing and reading. Leafing through some old books, I found a love letter inside of “A thousand splendid suns” by Khaled Hosseini. I had never seen it. The guy must have hidden it in there, hoping I would find it… in 2014… Never did. Another love story missed. 

I’m smiling at the pictures and posters that I have glued to my walls sometime in the past - feels like centuries ago. I see faces of people that I have not talked to for a very long time and I wonder how we lost one another, I mean not literally lost, but you know. Contact decreases, you stop being a part of each other’s life and so on. 

Enough nostalgia already. Let’s add some more positivity to this: NATURE is recovering.

“Since the lockdown: Venice’s canals have become crystal clear. Italy's coasts have dolphins coming nearer and nearer. Japan now has deer roaming free in the streets and Thailand: the same with monkeys. China has record-breaking pollution cuts. The Earth has already begun showing signs of amazing things that are happening thanks to the absence of human pollution.” This may be an opportunity for humanity to start on a greener foot, being more environmentally conscious, since what is being witnessed in the span of only a couple of days is amazing. 

6:00 pm: 

Remember my “whirling dervish” necklace? I found the note that came with it and since the words are so beautiful and presently important to live by, I thought I’d share them with you. 

Seven bits of Advice by Hz. Mevlana Celaleddin Rumi:

1. “Either exist as you are or be as you look”

2. “In generosity and helping others, be like a river”

3. “In compassion and grace, be like the sun”

4. “In concealing others fault, be like the night”

5. “In anger and fury, be like the dead”

6. “In modesty and humility, be like the earth”

7. “In tolerance, be like the sea.”

It is scientifically recognized that the fundamental condition of our existence is to revolve. There is no being or object that does not revolve because all beings are comprised of electrons revolving around protons and neutrons in atoms. Everything revolves and the human being lives by means of the revolution of bold in his body, by the revolution of the stages of his life, by his coming from the earth and his returning to it. However, all of these revolutions are natural and unconscious. But the human being possesses a mind and intelligence which distinguishes him from other beings. Thus, the “Whirling Dervish or Semazen” intentionally and consciously participates in the showed revolution of other beings. 

I hope this makes sense to all of you, if it does not, so be it. I love these words. We are whirling around right now, just like the whirling dervishes. It already feels like we are in trance. I hope that at some point we will reach a complete standstill, so things could continue evolving, revolving and whirling around at a normal pace. And hopefully, then, it’ll be an unconscious process again, since right now the peaceful process of whirling is becoming some kind of a mad rollercoaster. 

Recommendation at this point: If you guys are not familiar with RUMI, change that. Read Rumi and some works on Sufism. I highly recommend it.

“Out beyond ideas

of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

there is a field.

I’ll meet you there.”

- Jelaluddin Rumi, 13th century

I woke up thinking about the people I would have liked to hug and kiss so badly. I thought to myself: “Damn, I should have just hugged all of these people I refrained from hugging due to my tiny inner introvert that sometimes pops up. I should have just bitten all the cute little cheeks of people I love so much I want to eat them.” This may indeed sound somewhat cannibalistic. Trust me, it’s not, it’s the tremendous flood of love overwhelming me in a way Noah must have been overwhelmed facing the immeasurable amount of water coming at him and his arch.

What was this nightmare we were suddenly starring in?

Fortunately, here in my tiny village, it was still possible to freely run around and even recommended by the German government to take care of one’s physical condition exercising and breathing in some fresh air.

I went out and decided to not run into the forest but try cross-field running, to provide some alternation.

I was at the peak of my joyful, somewhat desperate form of working out, when I spotted 2 dogs, not wearing my glasses I could not exactly tell what breed, but who cares. Big. BIIIIIG. They were big, huge, even monstrous…and no holder to be seen anywhere near them. My pulse continued rising despite the fact of me clearly standing still on that field comparable to a statue. I’m sure any painter would have been grateful if I had decided to become his or her muse standing on a podium motionless like that. My blood froze and my heart skipped two beats (wallah two or maybe three, hard to tell), catching sight of another five dogs racing up and down the field. My field. Damn it. It was my field. The field I had chosen for my physical activity, dogs. Will you respect that and just magically vanish?

Ice-cold sweat on my front gathered preparing for what my mind had already anticipated as the eternal dog-calypse. My end. In times of corona, virus infection and other terrifying perils, I was going to pathetically find my end on a field, savaged by these wild creatures.

But a higher power must have perceived of my dilemma and showed mercy. After they had all been staring at me for what I felt like was around 7 hours of pure tension and mortal agony, they walked the other way. (Alhamdullilah, still alive. Also I really do like drama. Obviously this was a little over dramatic haha )

I continued running, entered the cemetery, visiting my grandparents when my dad pulled up. He seemed happy to see me, blew me a kiss and I ran back home.

Arriving home, I checked my phone being bombarded by all kinds of negative messages including bodies being transported to crematoria by military trucks in Italy.

Nevertheless, I believe we should take a moment and be grateful that most of us; the majority actually, has the privilege of staying at home, in our warm houses, reading, working, writing, still being educated, creating, talking to our loved ones, with little worries and a fridge stocked with food.

I’ve come to appreciate my village-lifestyle, the nature, the vastness of the fields, although all I ever recall doing was running from here. I never felt like I fit into the limited horizon and strongly tied community of people around here. I felt like a displaced bird unable to spread her wings. Having flown around, it feels good to be back here, to be back to my nest. It’s good to stop and think for a moment. We take things, places, surroundings, people, conversations, you name it, for granted. Me included. I took having certain friends around me for granted, continuously procrastinating things, thoughts, feelings I would have wanted to utter, but never did. Times like this reminds us of our mortality and limited time on this planet. Set priorities.

Be empathetic, be human and Carpe diem, friends.

Good Morning world.

Today is the day I have to leave the house in this idyllic setting of mine. I need to drive to Schweinfurt, the next bigger city around here. My mom has an appointment at the hospital and I will seize this opportunity to go grocery shopping and check on the current toilet-paper misery myself.

I did indeed miss driving. Anyhow, arriving in the city, I dropped of my mom. Everywhere around the hospital, one could see signs asking people to stay away from each other at a distance of at least 1,5 m.

Since this country completely ran out of masks, everyone surrounding me was either putting a tissue or a scarf in front of their mouth and noses.

I couldn’t help but think what the ladies wearing a burka or niqab may be thinking in this extraordinary state of emergency. Probably now they will be like “well, see that’s what you get for always criticizing us.” And potentially they were not saying anything, my mind is a mess. (I know this may not be diplomatically correct, forgive me. No offense.)

I decided to leave the hospital. I felt like suffocating, partly due to my scarf and partly due to the fact that I do not like, never will, never have fancied hospitals. Scares the shit out of me. Respect to everyone working in this environment.

I parked the car and entered ALDI SÜD, one of the big players regarding supermarket chains, alongside with LIDL; REWE; EDEKA and maybe NETTO, these are the supermarkets German people trust with their groceries, depending on your budget, you’ll choose one of the markets mentioned above. I chose ALDI. Says a lot already.

Just kidding.

Anyhow, at the very entrance a screen had been placed asking people to refrain from approaching one another closer than 1,5m. Ok.

I entered and saw the horror right in front of my eyes, people. I witnessed it. The toilet paper shelves. EMPTY. “Das Land der Scheißer” as my dad would state.

Not going to translate.

I recalled this post I had seen some days ago. It’s funny listing which products are excessively bought in the course of what is being referred to here as “Hamsterkäufe”, i.e. panic buying.

USA: medication and weapons

Italy: cigarettes and grappa

France: condoms and red wine

The Netherlands: weed and cheese

Scotland: whiskey

Germany: toilet paper and flour

Had some of us indeed question if this was the right country to be living in. (It’s to be understood ironically.)

On my way back, I passed Chateaudun Park, where some idiots were still gathering in large groups picnicking. Stupidity and Ignorance will never be eradicated.

Got an email from Humboldt University regarding the Erasmus funds – additional expenses would be calculated into your scholarship, plus explicitly telling students to contact the embassy whether or whether not they would like to stay in Istanbul.

Tiny Panic: Does that mean the entire semester is blown off ?

It’s not, thanks to the Internet. We’ll be having digital classes online… Still wondering how my professors are going to manage, but we’ll find out.

On our way back to our wonderfully cut-off village, we witnessed an amazing colour play as only nature could have provided for. The sunset was breathtaking. It looked like a piece of art. I felt peace.

I entered my bunker, receiving more information from my university in Turkey stating that they would start digital courses live streams on the 6th of April using Moodle and other online systems.

Sitting on my desk in front of my laptop: my dad showed up in front of the window. We communicated through the window. He showed me a package with the imprint of a flower. He said he will plant the seeds into the soil later. He pointed to the inscription on the bottom of the package; it said Sandra. The name of the variety being “Sandra”, he smiled and said: “We’ll still continue growing, my love.” 

Welcome back to village-life. The sun is shining, it’s quite warm outside, so why not use this occasion to work on my long-lost fitness. It’s about time. I put on my leggings and started running, trying to breathe in a calming rhythm like my dad once taught me to avoid having a stitch.

It went quite fine actually. I did some intervals, working out within a scale of walking quite slowly to running like a crazy shot deer. My tactics when jogging are the following: I try to imagine being on the beach, wearing a long yellow light dress, a slight breeze is cooling down my overheated body and I’m sipping on a cocktail. It becomes so real, I forget that I am running and the jogging becomes a side issue, since I am actually starring in my very own imaginary Blockbuster.

There is this really narrow pathway surrounded by an uncountable amount of pine and oak trees where my inner movie somehow shifted to a Twilight-scenario but other than that I got back home to my self-quarantine safely, not seeing a single soul outside.

12:00 am time for breakfast. I had some vitamin C, talking to people on the phone, reading some messages on WhatsApp. The Internet is still not infected, although it may be since looking at the poor quality of connection in this village, I had seriously considered buying letter pigeons. Maybe they’d deliver my messages faster than any social media was currently doing. Detox. That’s fine.

The messages received included some news from our neighbor France, my friend stated they now needed documents in order to justify the reasons why they would want to leave their houses. She sent me the document. It states: “Attestation de déplacement dérogatoire” and then 5 check boxes, from which you may choose the reason for your need to leave your house.

Other than that, my home university “Humboldt University Berlin”, is now officially trying to make people completing their semesters abroad come back. Although a fair number of us has already decided to come back, some stayed.

Popping up on my phone: Sputniknews : “Alman saglik uzmani: Koronavirus pandemisi 2 yil sürebilir” – News line stating that scientists from the German Robert Koch Institute declared that this damn coronavirus may last up to 2 years.

What a life.

Time to get off this phone and breathe in some fresh air. I decided to go for another walk in our forest. Have I ever actually noticed how peaceful this place is? Ever since I was an adolescent facing puberty, all I recall is trying to get out of this village as soon as possible and as fast as possible. As they say, you may only appreciate thing when you have not had them around for some time or completely lost them. Fortunately, I can call this tiny pleasant oasis home.

Upon my arrival back at the house, my dad was still in the garden trying to get rid of all the weed growing in between our beautifully accurate lawn. He waved at me saying “Hallo mein Schatz, schön dass du da bist.” (Hello Darling, it’s nice you’re home). My heart warms up upon the sight of this extremely cute human being expressing even cuter phrases like this one. I do want to hug him sooooo badly, but I won’t. I put on my mask and gloves and asked him if he wanted to play some badminton. There would be enough distance between us but we would still be able to play something together. We used to play badminton in the summer. I loved it. It seems to be a peaceful physical activity but not with my dad and I. We converted the game into a game we refer to as “Schiffe-Versenken” (should be “playing battleship” in English). We’d play peacefully and at some point would start aiming for each other’s body-parts.

Playing with him this time was just like always, I felt like time had stood still and I was 14 years old again playing badminton in the garden with my dad. No worries, whatsoever. Pure happiness.

Having him throw the bat at me after our play-session brought me back to our new reality. Safety distance. No touching.

18:45 Uhr RTL News: I have to admit that I avoid watching the news in general because of all the bad vibes and fake news but today I decided to listen. Our chancellor Anglea Merkel gave a very moving speech. I know that ever since the refugee crisis even more people started disliking her profoundly. I do not. I like the woman. I do.

Her speech was moving, rational and personal at the same time, so everybody even the most ignorant should have been capable of grasping the very essence of her words. She said that now more than ever it was crucial for our country to stay together, cooperate, behave thoughtfully, stay home for our sake and other people’s safety and health, especially in order to avoid putting risk vulnerable groups such as elderly people or people already struggling with a weak immune system at risk.

Quote: „Es ist ernst. Seit der Deutschen Einheit, nein, seit dem Zweiten Weltkrieg gab es keine Herausforderung an unser Land mehr, bei der es so sehr auf unser gemeinsames solidarisches Handeln ankommt."

("It's serious. Our country has not been exposed to a major challenge like this one since German unification, no, since the Second World War even. Solidarity now is more important than ever.”)

Furthermore she said that for a person like herself it was more than understandable that a restriction of one’s personal freedom is hard to cope with, since she, herself had fought to obtain such a free life for such a long time. Nevertheless, one ought to stay reasonable and follow the newly imposed rules in order for our country to be able to tackle this tremendous new challenge.

I agree that having the Internet around, there are so many ways of socializing differently. Certainly you do not need to meet up in person. Refrain from visiting your grandparents, since they are a risk group. Recording podcasts, sending videos or calling them may be a way of not having them feel lonely during this time.

Checking my phone shortly after this speech, more people started leaving Istanbul.

Had I asked if we were at war before? Well, I guess we are, and our enemy is unknown, invisible. We don’t know how to find this shit and our defense tactics are anything but well right now. All we can do is try to slow down the numbers of infection, as for our health care system not to collapse at once. 

 After yesterday’s call, I think I’m set. I have already started packing my suitcase yesterday night. I put on some music. I was listening to Ghali – an Italo-Tunisian artist that I love. There is this song that I kept listening to on repeat “Good Times”. The first line is “Sembra la fine del mondo, ma mi calma” – Seems like the end of the world, but I will calm down. Well, how appropriate.

I’m very proud of myself. I had packed a fair deal of my stuff yesterday and most importantly I would be coming back so I left my summer dresses and cute yellow wedges in my room. If I was about to leave, I would definitely have a reason to come back. I mean, aside from the fact that I am in love with the city and staying away from my lover would gradually affect my heart.

It’s 8:00 am: I’m dialing the number of the German embassy. “Deutsche Botschaft, Wie kann ich Ihnen behilflich sein/ how may I be of help to you?”

“Hey my name is Sandra, I’m currently studying here in Istanbul and well I was wondering if you’d recommend me staying or getting back to Germany?”

“Well right now, we cannot say anything for sue. It is up to you to decide, since the situation around the globe is similarly bad, I cannot tell you to stay or leave. Anyways, if you decided to leave though, today and possibly tomorrow will be the last flights before borders close.”

“Thank you.” Still not knowing what to do, I was facing an inner struggle. Would I stay in Istanbul all by myself with some friends that well have become friends over the past few months and risk being exposed to so many people on a daily basis, not being in my home country, not sure about health care systems. Would I have to cancel my semester here? How will all this be handled regarding my studies? If I got home, I could put the safety and health of my parents at risk because who the fuck knows if I do not already have this shit and being at an airport would definitely increase the risk of catching it… My head is about to explode. Let’s call up Bogazici universitesi and see what their point of view is.

The university states that they will resume classes starting the 6^th of April. Since many students already left the country, they are working on digital classes. Regarding normal classes, they have no idea what or when to get back to normality. Everything is uncertain. She advised me to go home. University will stay in touch via mail. At least at home, I would be with my family.

10:00 am: Calling my parents once more. I have to admit, as my dad said he would be more comfortable with me being close to them, my decision was set. I would reserve this flight now and get back to Germany today.

10:15 am : Flight booked. Direct flight from Istanbul International to Nuremberg at 4:25 pm which means I should get my ass out of here in minimum one hour. People said, it would be wiser to be at the airport 3 hours in advance. So I threw all I could into my suitcase, started distributing my newly acquired groceries among my roommates that would be staying, got my saxophone and a backpack full of documents and my laptop. All important things were in this suitcase or my backpack. Leaving behind: summer clothing, sandals, hair extensions (had to mention them, although I really never wear them, but they are an asset that ought to be mentioned since I purchased them for 150 bucks) and a wall plastered with pictures of me and my best friends reminding me of wonderfully carefree times spent together last semester. A most precious golen framed piece of art that was really hard to leave behind on an emotional basis. But whatever. I’ll be back.

Carrying my 30kg suitcase 5 floors downstairs to the garden only to carry it up the stairs into the main kitchen in the house next door was the work out of the year. Honestly. I sweated like crazy. I felt stressed from inside out. Outer circumstances were increasing the stress that had already started rising inside of me.

A beautiful Danish Angel living with me, Victoria, helped me with my saxophone and backpack. We rushed to the Havabus Station at Point Hotel not far off Taksim Square. Giving the suitcases to the bus driver who safely stored them in the trunk, I was ready to go. I could not quite grasp that I was actually about to leave…

I was so stressed, I accepted a cigarette and smoked it together with Victoria waiting for the bus driver to tell me to get in the bus.

He started waving at me. That was my cue, I had to leave and although hugging should have been a no-go, we still did. We hugged very intensely, wishing each other good luck and promising to see one another again in the summer when all of this would be over. It was the first time I felt inner sadness. REAL sadness since a long time. I had tears skyrocketing up my eyes. I managed to suppress them successfully and jumped into the bus, putting on my mask.

The bus ride to Istanbul International Airport takes around 40 minutes. 40 minutes I would eagerly avoid to spend on reflection about my stay and beautiful moments lived in this city. I won’t need my emotional overwhelming version of myself just right now. There are enough factors already contributing to a potential mental breakdown. Keep away from that shit, Sandra, my inner voice kindly advised sipping on what I assumed to be a martini. (I know. Vast imagination. It’s how I survive).

So, emotional Sandra-mode switched off and Call-center robo-voice on. I am impressed by the fact that I actually managed to call around 10 people very objectively describing the current situation without any sign of me tripping at the edge of what I like to refer to as the emo-abyss of my brain. Good job.

Arriving at the airport, I grabbed my stuff, breathing like Garfield after his 7^th lasagna. This shit was so heavy, damn. What was I thinking? I’m no fashion-blogger, why on earth would I need so much clothing? Fair punishment was awaiting.

I hasted to the check-in counter, because that is what I do at airports. I haste, even if there is 3 hours left, I prefer to run. I guess it’s adding to the excitement and dramatic scenario I have created in my mind. You know in my mind, I see a beautiful 1.80 m tall blond long-haired goddess, effortlessly rushing from the check-in counter through the security check right onto the boarding area; unfortunately reality looks kinda different. Every single time… I mean aside from the fact that my hair is not blond, all features apply to my appearance. Haha. (I do find this funny.)

The line at the check-in counter was rather short so I was surprised… Would things go smoothly for a change? Would I be the effortless goddess? Carried by enthusiasm, I floated over to the counter. In front of me sat a cute girl, around 26 years old, I assume. I handed her my passport and waited for the usual procedure. She would scan it, hand me the boarding pass and I’d float over through the security check. Basta.

Well, not this time darling, my martini-sipping inner voice whispered.

She looked up and asked: “So are you sure your surname is WEIS?”

I responded that I knew of no other surname that may have applied. She continued searching and finally uttered: “Uff, yaaaa. Bu ne, yaaa. Bulmadim ya” (Translates into: Oh fuck yeah, fuck I can’t find this, let’s Uff another time to creep the shit out of the girl standing on the other side of the counter).

I asked: “So you cannot find me on this flight?” Astonished she looked at me, potentially wondering how the fuck I was capable of understanding her Turkish complaint-routine and said: “No I’m sorry, lady. You have to go home. There is no flight today with your name.”

Now I do want to shorten the drama and just tell you how it ended, but I won’t spare you the beauty of what I will henceforth refer to as “The Eruption”. Cause giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl; I erupted. Wow. A phenomenon, scientists would have loved to witness. The eruption of a rare natural phenomenon of moving volcanoes. Barely found, this one was about to deliver a hell of a performance.

I took a breath, looked at her and said: “Lady, I will not go anywhere. I can see my ticket number printed right there on the confirmation e-mail that I received around 1,5 h ago. I did work in this industry before, so having a ticket number implies that an actual ticket has been issued, which kind of juxtaposes your sayings. What are we going do about that? I think I know. Let’s just reconsider what you just said, call up your supervisor and find out why on earth I would have to get back on a bus carrying 30 kg of luggage, a saxophone and my backpack.”

I assume she was just overwhelmed by whatever the fuck the weird girl had just uttered and obeyed, calling her supervisor. After a few meetings of deliberately married consonants and vowels (they call it Turkish), she looked at me and said: “Your ticket was changed for tomorrow. We do not have space on this flight anymore, so they changed it.”

Clearly that makes a lot of sense. Just overbook the flight and kick out the girl with the heaviest and most unhandy luggage. Dude, nope. I refuse. Wallah, I swear, this ain’t happening today. I felt a stomach ache and my temperature rising. Pray it’s not the damn virus. I just assume it was anger in the form of seething, rumbling hot lava. It was.

She sent me over to the ticket sales’ office where I allegedly would be capable of sorting out this problem.

I arrived at the ticket sales’ office and had to get a number and stay in line. I became incessant, hearing the clock tik-toking. I had another 2 hours, but with this tremendous line of people in front of me, there was no way I was getting on that plane.

I patiently stood there waiting for my number to be called when I heard two Tunisian guys behind me saying “Yallah let’s just skip the line, you just squeeze yourself in there and get to the counter, forget about the numbers.” (in Arabic “Yallah, t7arak, shihemek fel numrouet, t3ada men hon w a3mal ro7ek meta3rash”).

Wow. That was it. Triggered. That was too much. STAY THE FUCK IN LINE PEOPLE. IS THIS some kind of joke to you, do you think we work with vitamin B like in corrupt post offices in Tunisia, dude?! That was too much for me, I whirled around furiously (the fun part here is that one may only tell the anger looking at each other’s eyes, since everyone was wearing masks, fortunately… so the volume of my shouting was muted a little), I said : “Wen maaaaaaaashy ya m3allam, te7seb ro7ek fel bousta fi Tunis ne5dmou bel ektef ? Barra oukef fel queue; maksh tshouf fel 3abed elkoll testanna. Hall hamm.”

-       Translates into: stay the fuck in line. Are you serious?

He got back in line and I finally got on the flight after another hour of waiting and them telling me there was no actual spot anymore. Well, magically, there was in the end and boarding the flight, it was not even fully booked to its capacity. Whatever.

Having boarded the flight, I sat down in my seat. A window seat 27 F. This was going to be tough. Refrain from thinking. Just sleep.

I couldn’t. With all the in-flight entertainment and marvelous food provided by what I believe is one of the most excellent airlines, Turkish Hava Yollari; I still could not be distracted enough. Looking out of the window, I saw my beloved city and then a vast ocean and countless clouds, tears began to fill my eyes. I swallowed down the tears dwelling up, closed my eyes and only opened them when we had already initiated our descent to Nürnberg.

I looked out of the window again. No vast ocean, instead: vast amount of trees and some awkward mix of relief and nausea. I started playing around with my necklaces. I loved these. One is a silver whirling dervish, which was offered to me by my dear friend Ismail. One of the very rare people that grasp me on a more profound level. I love exchanging thoughts with him. He is this wise person, full of inner peace that I have and will always look up to. I still recall what was written on the sheet accompanying my gift.It will be my lucky charm. I will always keep it. He said it was crucial for me to wear it at all times, especially now. So I did, along with an amulet I got from a very special person. Putting up as many of these as I can. Maybe a little superstition will do me good.

Back to the airport.

It all went very quick and smoothly except for the involuntary arm-workout, heaving all my heavy suitcases from one train to another. I finally arrived in Schweinfurt Central Station.

Arriving at our house, I greeted my parents from afar, not quite grasping the strangeness of this remote greeting. I was home. My parents looked happy. So was I. whatever the fuck was going to happen now, at least I was close to my family.

“Good morning sunshine! Yallah, dress up, shoes on. Let’s go out, explore and flourish some more!”

That’s what my usual inner voice sounds like every morning rejoicing about the fact that it’s another wonderful day for me to be waking up in my favorite city.

For the past few days, I just woke up thinking: What the fuck is going on; someone take me back to reality. Cause this shit can’t be it…

Italy is shut down. France is following up. Germany similarly. Last flights in and out of countries, border controls. Did I fall asleep and wake up in the worst episode of Black fuckin Mirror ?

So, I did not fly to Izmir. I’m still here. I rush down the stairs to the main kitchen on our floor. Mustafa and Wendy come out of their rooms; Question of the day: “Hey, you guys leaving?”

No one is quite sure whether to leave or stay, me neither. My friend working at the German embassy told me there were flights going directly out of Turkey back to Germany, German citizens could take until the 18^th of March. That gives me two more days to think about whether I should leave or not.

I’m going to Shok. I need to buy some groceries in case I’m staying. So there go 70 liras for food. I do not even know how it got to 70 lira. I did not buy much honestly. But whatever. The struggle of being a student and consequently broke, most of the time. Anyways. I’m on my way back, entering the main kitchen there is Mustafa, Walid and Fairouz. I decide to cook some coffee for everybody and see how the situation is developing. Fairouz, working at the embassy said things are getting serious and we will soon be put in quarantine entirely, such as Italy. Batu decided to go back to his hometown, which is somewhere on the countryside, so definitely the wiser choice, trying to flee overcrowded spaces. Only Ali told us he went down Istiklal Caddesi (for some, forever incomprehensible reason) since Istiklal Cadessi literally resembles a huge wave of people coming at you – imagine staring at that huge tsunami wave, you think you can run and somehow swim through it without being harmed but trust me the power of the water shattering you down at some point is uncontrollable. That’s Istiklal Cadessi,the Mecca of virus transmission.

Mehmet said it was the first time he realized he should actually be worried, since avoiding contact in a metropolis like Istanbul is almost undoable, especially when living 400 m from Taksim-Square and Istiklal Caddesi.

Great talk honestly. I was set. I called up my friends to say goodbye and on my way I would pass by a pharmacy to get gloves, masks and sanitizer.

Arriving at out meeting point in Besiktas in front of Deniz müzesi, a museum on everything connected to the sea… and again: how fuckin appropriate. My wish had always been to magically transform into a mermaid and live under the sea, having dolphins as my best friends. Together we’d explore the endless oceans, the depths of the seas, taste the salty water. I do admit that Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” had a fair impact on me as a child. Fortunately I always refrained from dying my hair red… I spared myself and everyone surrounding me that specific disaster. Nevertheless I would dive as deep as I could and dive up in twirling movements when reaching for the surface, just like Arielle would do in the movie.

Anyhow, now I really felt ready for this. I do agree with Sebastian, the Crab when singing “Under the Sea”, he states that (yes this is a scientific article, I am quoting a crab): “Arielle, listen to me, the human world is a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there.” – Preach, Sebastian, preach.

Anyhow, we met at the usual coffee shop, talking about the increasingly uncertain situation. I opened up about my options, saying that at the moment I am considering going back home and self-quarantining, in order to avoid a potential risk of contaminating my parents, in case I had already been infected. (This sneaky virus may already inhabit you without you knowing it. You may be contagious without showing any symptoms for 14 days).

My friend Mehmet suggested I may as well stay with his family in Antakya, since it is a village and the risk of infection will be lower than in Istanbul. Although I do appreciate this kind offer reflecting on the tremendous sense of hospitability people in Antakya have, I had to refuse.

We said our goodbyes, I got into a taxi and drove up to Harbiye where I rushed into my room, calling my parents. I told them I needed their advice on whether or not to stay. My dad, who usually always supports me in my decision of living the life of a displaced bird uttered his wish for me to come back home.

00:30 am: Boba Marley’s Three Little Birds playing in the background, I have started to pack my suitcase. I assured my parents I would call the embassy and my university in the morning and decide accordingly whether or whether not to fly back, since tomorrow would be the last day to do so either way. “Don’t worry about a thing cause every little thing’s gonna be alright….” – Oh Bob. You so calming. Thanks and Good short night I assume.

 “Have you heard some of the people are leaving the country due to this crisis… I heard the U.S. called back their citizens. My friend got on the last flight out of Istanbul this morning. She said the government was willing to pay for any American citizen willing to leave wherever they may be located abroad, if only they left today.”

Isn’t that pure madness? I recall smiling and telling myself that I would not actually consider going back to Germany… I mean, firstly, the epicenter of this pandemia is Italy, which is right next to Germany and cases are increasing in all neighbor countries. Makes sense to not go back there right?

I made up my mind. I will stay. Potentially I will even travel around Turkey during this imposed vacation. Although I do have some work that I need to finish on my laptop, I do prefer doing so sitting at the beach. So, why not just gather some people and fly over to Izmir… I know, flying sounds like I’m completely mad given the current situation. But back on the 15^th of March, I honestly thought, this will just pass by very quickly and everything will get back to normal.

I guess, we’ll find out how normal it’ll get in the upcoming days.

Plan was set. I called up my friend Mehmet and some other people that were supposed to join us. Sitting in our usual Shisha Bar whose name I still do not recall and probably never will, since each time we meet there we track it down using our inner compass and what’s left of my orientation skills. It’s a nice place though, located at the corner of a tiny street on which’s corner a Vodafone store is located. Plus it’s in Besiktas. Our vacation at the beach is set. We booked the flight tickets which were outrageously cheap… I mean we paid 8 euros per person. Anyways, there was nothing utterly special about that evening. As usual, we would play some Rami-cards, also called 52-game. It’s a game I was taught in Tunisia and it does require some brain activity which is why I highly prefer it over “ok”, a Turkish traditional “when-sitting-in-a-nargile-bar-kind-of-game” that requires 0 brain, but a fair amount of luck. It’s entertaining still. No offense.

Topic of the night : Corona. Jesus Christ, it has become a crime to cough or sneeze in any public venue, I mean I did it myself. I coughed, I coughed out of boredom I guess, you know the kind of cough you add to a discussion or conversation when you run out of words… Well, I promise that was why I coughed. Everybody stared at me and I had the waiter run over to me showering me in Cologne. Cause well, sanitizers are sold out. Everywhere. I could not find any, neither at watsons nor gratis nor Carrefour or anywhere else, so our only way of sterilizing our hands and getting rid of the bacteria now, is Cologne. Vive Turkish Cologne.

Anyways, the situation is really starting to get out of hand, the people I live with in TURNA (the building, dormitory kind of thing I chose to stay at during my semesters abroad), are worrying. Some of them already left the country, going back to their hometown. As I said. No option for me. Plus we will most probably resume our lectures starting the 6^th of april anyways and I read whoever chooses to leave Turkey, will be put into quarantine for 14 days in order to make sure they are virus-free. So do I really want to go through all this hustle? It’s not like borders will be closing forever, right? We’re not at war… Are we?

I went back home at around midnight thirty. There won’t be a lot of sleep tonight, but it does not matter, since I will be able to chill out all day starting tomorrow. Preferably at some hidden beach in Cesme. It’s definitely a better option compared to staying in Istanbul. (My very beloved metropolis, which has completed its transformation from beautiful cultural melting pot into worst virus-breeding pot; all in my head of course since according to Turkish official news, there are only 18 cases of corona in whole Turkey. It is, mashallah, the only green spot left. … I will leave this to personal interpretation. Whether or whether not you decide to believe in the news. I don’t. Generally and especially not over here.

Whenever I decide to travel, I have a cute feeling in my guts, it’s like tiny butterflies celebrating a party, flattering around in my stomach, creating a beautiful mix of excitement and anticipation. I might even say it’s similar to the feeling you get when falling in love. If you have not fallen in love yet. Sorry for you. You will never feel it then.

I’m just kidding, since I felt these tiny fellas flying around in my stomach whenever I went on a trip, waaaaaaaay before they ever showed up in the context of a guy-friend. So, peace and love, you may fall in love with activities as well.

Oddly enough, this time, there was a bitter taste to the usual sweet delightful feeling emerging from my guts. I could not manage to sleep. I was restless so I decided to stay awake until it was time for me to get to the havabus station around Taksim in order to start my trip to firstly, the airport, and from there on hopefully to the peaceful sight of the sea.

3:45 am: BREAKING News: Turkey closes bars, nightclubs, dancing bars and similar venues starting Monday 10 am – Interior Ministry.

Ok, well I do not see any sense in flying to Izmir now. People have already been pressuring me to come home to Germany all week and now this. At least I should be staying in Istanbul, where I have a base. Imagine they shut down everything and I will be stuck in Izmir… If they started shutting down these kind of venues, they will certainly follow up closing cafés, hotels, everything at the very last. No point. Izmir canceled.

I texted my fellow captives and told them I would not be going to the airport due to the news I had just learnt. Some refrained from going as well, others did not.

It remains a mystery on how all these precautions were implied by the Turkish government although the number of cases seemed to be so low. Not rising at all either. HAHA. Geeez, why all the shadiness.

I finally fell asleep at around 5:30 am.